• You ever watch a show or movie and a single image resonates with you so deeply, it plays on a loop in your mind?
For me, this happens all the time. I’ll completely forget the whole story and fixate on one moment moving the rest of whatever happened in the narrative to the back of my consciousness.
This happened most recently while watching a season six episode of “The Sopranos” (yeah, I know I should have seen it forever ago, people make mistakes). While the series is full of striking images and intoxicating snippets of dialogue (literally anytime Paulie Walnuts opens his mouth, gold comes out), I was completely taken with a pretty mundane mise en scene.
I’ll paint the picture.
Tony (aka THEE James Gandolfini if you’re new) has a rare moment alone at home and steps on a scale. He weighs 280. Doesn’t like that one bit. So, the next move is to take off the shoes. Doesn’t tip the scale. Now, Tony disrobes. Still 280.
This stuck with me for a number of reasons.
Last year, on Black Friday, after a pretty physically taxing day, I got down to a decent weight. Not a great weight (in fact, I was far from being in shape), but I felt good especially being in the middle of a pandemic, still using the gym sparingly and the fact it was the day after the annual food Super Bowl.
In the year since, I’ve really let myself go.
Salty snacks, little desserts every night, skipping water for seltzers, huge portions and limited exercise led me to balloon up an additional 40 pounds (aka the double COVID-19) taking me to my highest weight ever aka the “fattest I’ve ever been.”
Spoiler: the number is kinda close to Tony’s when he stepped on the scale.
And let me tell you, you don’t wanna be near a notoriously large man’s weight. It feels dangerous like skating on thin ice but now you’re 40 pounds heavier and the ice is creaking.
Obviously, I rarely literally find myself on thin ice but in reality I can’t even use my step ladder since its weight limit is 225.
I gotta use that ladder for basic tasks too. Who else is gonna reach high up stuff? That’s my job as the family tall guy.
Thing is, I don’t know if I can really get back on track. My body has gotten used to large portions. Like I need to split a bag of Trader Joe’s teriyaki chicken or my stomach goes into starvation mode. It’s weak- just like the stepladder.
That being said, I’m pretty good at two-day diets. Once I lose two pounds after two days though, I fall off the wagon.
This has all been informally documented too. I mean check out these things I’ve tweeted recently:
“Chobani Flips taste really good except for the yogurt part”
“Help, I melted ice cream on top of my Cinnamon Toast Crunch and now I can’t go back to milk.”
I’m an eating machine in a bad way.
Not sure what I’m getting at here other than I wanted to let people know, yeah, I’m heavy at the moment. My clothes don’t fit as well (although a hoodie I’ve had since fourth grade still slides on, no prob). I’ve got a double chin in every photo and I make people retake every picture of me. One thing people should know is the fatter you get, the harder it is to hide your double chin (unless you’re having an AI picture drawn of you, of course).
Plus, to add insult to injury, doctors praise my four-month-old daughter for putting on weight. They applaud when she gains two pounds. 12-pound babies don’t know how good they have it.
I think I found my goal for this whiny essay that you’re still reading.
Hopefully, getting this message out into the world will make other people who inexplicably put on weight over the past year (without the pandemic excuse of the gyms being closed) feel a little less alone.
And maybe folks will send healthy lunch and dinner recommendations to mix up my schedule.
Right now, I’m doing way too much sodium-heavy ramen and chicken dinners. It’s my ultimate weakness. I’ve deluded myself into thinking chicken and rice is healthy. Nah. Would love to hear what’s worked for others to get out of a rut other than, ya know, the oft-advertised lifestyle change of diet and exercise because I’m aware they exist and I’m trying but it’s kinda tough when you have a four-month-old and you’re cooking for ease and comfort and you can’t stop snacking on pita chips and chocolate covered almonds.
Those are all excuses but, I have to say, having grown up with s lot of weight shame, it’s liberating to be so open about this here.
That’s all about that.
Thanks to Tony S, the waste management consultant, for bravely getting on that scale on tv. It helped me open up.
• Now, for a tiny bit of comedy-related material:
- Having become a dad recently has made it hard to do much in the way of comedy which means not only have I gotten flabby, my funny bone has too.
The only time I really have to myself to write or edit or do anything creative is if I force myself to wake up at 5 or so before my daughter. Maybe sometimes at night too but those opportunities are few and far between.
Anyway, I recently finished a few things.
- First up, a TikTok vid Anna filmed of me back in May 2021. For almost a year, I’ve had cutting it on my to-do list but never got around to it. And although there are no “cuts” in the video (it’s all one take), editing was a headache trying to figure out the joke.
The short originally started with a bit where a Southerner told me to “go back to New York” but I didn’t want to put words in Bojangles’ mouth (the video takes place at a Bojangles drive-thru). Then, I tried the lame Mike Myers “dummy says what” bit. That felt too tired. I needed something actually funny.
Finally, with the help of a few friends and voice work from the talented Daniel J. Perafan, I found a happy medium.
Hope you enjoy this 45 second thing. It still makes me laugh and I’ve seen it like 45 times.
- Secondly, I wrote my second pilot of the year. “Feedback” is a robust 39-page story about my weekly writer’s group (yes, I complained I don’t get to do enough creative stuff but I am in a weekly writer’s group. I’m a monster). Using the members of the group as inspiration, I finally wrote the “Princess Bride” style script I’ve had rattling in my brain forever.
On Sunday, I held a reading of the pilot and while there are some kinks to iron out (too long, reads like a writer wrote the words instead of people talking), it had moments! Moments! That’s all I can hope for with anything I write.
Major thanks to the cast Anna, Dan, Dan, Ahri, Jourdain, Joey and Susan for reading and Jake and Chris for showing up.
• And, finally some light recommendations:
- Make sure to check out Deanna Director’s hilarious 50-second “Nike Feels.” In this sharp, parody, runners address the camera and tell us “what they’re running from” with answers as varied as “myself” to “basic math.” Come for the jokes, stay for the impressive style- this thing looks and feels just like a Nike commercial which is no easy feat- they have the most stylish, kinetic ads in the game. Enjoy.
- Shows normally don’t get better after a pilot. While they’re a tough act to pull off (introducing characters and the world while being funny and compelling is no easy balancing act), they’re usually indicative of what’s to come.
That’s why I was so pleasantly surprised with Amy Schumer’s “Life and Beth.”
The pilot was atrocious. Not funny, tonally mixed, dour and claustrophobic.
Shut it off, vowing not to return.
However, I came back a month or so later and caught episode two. What a marked improvement.
Glad I stayed for the rest. This show is hysterical, heartfelt and not at all like its first episode. Slog through the initial half hour for exposition and you’ll be rewarded for your hard work, my friends.
- Finally, RIP Carolines.
Louis Faranda and the club gave me my first and only real opportunity in the comedy industry and for that, I am forever grateful. That’s the one club that asked me to be a member and I was overjoyed.
That’s it for this grab bag of complaints, brags and thoughts.
As a wise man once said, keep it sleazy
